Northwest Airlines
19/09/06 11:13 ReviewsPermalink
Today we will have be
getting away from booze and reviewing a recent
experience with Northwest Airlines flight 107 from
Columbus to San Francisco.
The first thing I noticed when I got on the plane was that the aisles seemed a lot more cramped then most airplanes. I thought it might be an issue because I always try to get an aisle seat seeing that I feel a little cramped being next to the window. I was coming back from a long business trip, and was looking forward to possibly getting a little sleep on the airplane. Northwest had other plans for me.
For some reason Northwest seems to think that a great compliment to the smaller aisles would be flight attendants with butts wider than the aisles. I swear, there was more bootie in my face than was at the White House during the Clinton Administration. Every time I was about to fall asleep, BAM! Ass in my face. "Would you like some coffee Sir? No? How about if I ram your head with my thigh again? Would that make you happy?" It was horrible.
Another thing that struck me is that most Airlines tend to hire girls that are pretty and fit. Not Northwest. The main Attendant looked like Ernest Borgnine, except she wasn't quite as distinguished looking.
Ernest the Flight Attendant
By now I am starting get a little irritated with the lack of talent and the constant disruptions, so I decide to get a drink. Ernest was not in charge of the drink station so she calls over Kimberly. Now I am sure Kimberly is a nice girl, but she looked like Keith Richards. The lines in her face were deeper than the Grand Canyon and she coughed up a phlegm ball every time she laughed. I ordered a Double Gin and Tonic, looked back over at her face and ordered another because I knew I was going to need it.
My Flight Attendant
After pounding the two drinks I felt a little better. I walked back to the end of the cabin to see if Keith was having a smoke but alas, she was talking to Ernest about going to the Gym and eating right. Ernest told Keith that she goes twice a week but in all honesty the last time she saw a Gym was from 5 thousand feet. Luckily the Pilot turned on the fasten seat belt sign before they could engage me in a conversation.
We hit an air pocket somewhere above Iowa and the cabin started to bounce quite a bit. Keith decided to strap herself in but Ernest thought it would be a good idea to take the food and coffee cart down the aisle and ram her elephant sized thigh into every single person in coach and economy. Of course she couldn't forget about me. While pouring coffee for the moron in front of me (who insisted on keeping his seat as far back as possible) Ernest spilled hot coffee on my leg. My first reaction was to jump, which is not advisable when you have a lap belt on. I proceeded to scream obscenities into my clenched fist due to the 2nd degree burn on my leg and the layer of bruised fat between my lap belt and my belly.
I needed out! I needed a break! I needed another drink!
I got out of my seat and made my way to the lavatory while Ernest chastised me for getting up while the seat belt light was on. Of course, both rooms were occupied so I waited. 5 minutes later Keith emerges from the restroom with a devilish grin on his, I mean her face. Yes, Keith laid down a deuce. It smelled horrible and sobered me up in a hurry. I held my breath as I washed the coffee out of my pants. Keith must have got some satisfaction from pushing out whatever she ate the night before. Another air pocket and I banged me head on the bathroom door. I made my way back to the seat as the tears welled up in my eyes.
I tried to fall asleep again but Ernest continued to bang away at me until I just came to accept the fact that it was just going to be this way. 4 hours later we landed safely and I said goodbye to the crew.
Overall Score:
Cleanliness ***
Price of Ticket *****
Comfort *
Flight Attendants 0 stars
Overall Conclusion:
Northwest Airlines sucks. They charge you for pretzels and trail mix. The Flight Attendants are ugly even after a few drinks and they are too fat to fit in the aisles. I will never fly Northwest again.
The first thing I noticed when I got on the plane was that the aisles seemed a lot more cramped then most airplanes. I thought it might be an issue because I always try to get an aisle seat seeing that I feel a little cramped being next to the window. I was coming back from a long business trip, and was looking forward to possibly getting a little sleep on the airplane. Northwest had other plans for me.
For some reason Northwest seems to think that a great compliment to the smaller aisles would be flight attendants with butts wider than the aisles. I swear, there was more bootie in my face than was at the White House during the Clinton Administration. Every time I was about to fall asleep, BAM! Ass in my face. "Would you like some coffee Sir? No? How about if I ram your head with my thigh again? Would that make you happy?" It was horrible.
Another thing that struck me is that most Airlines tend to hire girls that are pretty and fit. Not Northwest. The main Attendant looked like Ernest Borgnine, except she wasn't quite as distinguished looking.
Ernest the Flight Attendant
By now I am starting get a little irritated with the lack of talent and the constant disruptions, so I decide to get a drink. Ernest was not in charge of the drink station so she calls over Kimberly. Now I am sure Kimberly is a nice girl, but she looked like Keith Richards. The lines in her face were deeper than the Grand Canyon and she coughed up a phlegm ball every time she laughed. I ordered a Double Gin and Tonic, looked back over at her face and ordered another because I knew I was going to need it.
My Flight Attendant
After pounding the two drinks I felt a little better. I walked back to the end of the cabin to see if Keith was having a smoke but alas, she was talking to Ernest about going to the Gym and eating right. Ernest told Keith that she goes twice a week but in all honesty the last time she saw a Gym was from 5 thousand feet. Luckily the Pilot turned on the fasten seat belt sign before they could engage me in a conversation.
We hit an air pocket somewhere above Iowa and the cabin started to bounce quite a bit. Keith decided to strap herself in but Ernest thought it would be a good idea to take the food and coffee cart down the aisle and ram her elephant sized thigh into every single person in coach and economy. Of course she couldn't forget about me. While pouring coffee for the moron in front of me (who insisted on keeping his seat as far back as possible) Ernest spilled hot coffee on my leg. My first reaction was to jump, which is not advisable when you have a lap belt on. I proceeded to scream obscenities into my clenched fist due to the 2nd degree burn on my leg and the layer of bruised fat between my lap belt and my belly.
I needed out! I needed a break! I needed another drink!
I got out of my seat and made my way to the lavatory while Ernest chastised me for getting up while the seat belt light was on. Of course, both rooms were occupied so I waited. 5 minutes later Keith emerges from the restroom with a devilish grin on his, I mean her face. Yes, Keith laid down a deuce. It smelled horrible and sobered me up in a hurry. I held my breath as I washed the coffee out of my pants. Keith must have got some satisfaction from pushing out whatever she ate the night before. Another air pocket and I banged me head on the bathroom door. I made my way back to the seat as the tears welled up in my eyes.
I tried to fall asleep again but Ernest continued to bang away at me until I just came to accept the fact that it was just going to be this way. 4 hours later we landed safely and I said goodbye to the crew.
Overall Score:
Cleanliness ***
Price of Ticket *****
Comfort *
Flight Attendants 0 stars
Overall Conclusion:
Northwest Airlines sucks. They charge you for pretzels and trail mix. The Flight Attendants are ugly even after a few drinks and they are too fat to fit in the aisles. I will never fly Northwest again.